Spiritual Abuse: "I Thought I Was the Problem"

For years, Marc was a victim of spiritual abuse in his church while preparing to enter the ministry. He shares his experience with us.

Before we go further, please note that Marc is a pseudonym. Why this anonymity? Because we want to maintain a constructive and non-judgmental approach to address the real issue of spiritual abuse. Names, places, and labels matter less than the lessons we can learn from this.

Marc, with hindsight, how do you view the spiritual abuse you experienced for years?

I only wanted to serve God and had to face behaviors that were not inspired by Him. I believe that for some dysfunctional leaders and pastors, it's how they were trained. While this doesn't remove their responsibility, it allows us to take a step back on their leadership.

In this whirlwind, were you aware of what was happening?

At first, I thought I was the problem. So I undertook deep introspection, constantly questioning my actions. Although this self-examination had beneficial aspects, it became destructive when it touched my very essence and accused me of unfounded things. We have several choices in such situations. Despite my role as a victim in these events, I remained responsible for the state of my heart before God. It's easy to get lost believing that one must be a dead sacrifice, while God calls us to be living sacrifices before His face.

Was this practice deeply rooted in the church culture where you were?

I have officiated in several churches as a pastor, and each church culture can present a form of spiritual abuse. We must understand that what happens in a church is influenced by both the culture of the Kingdom of God and the culture of the pastors, the city, or the country. We can speak of "contextual doctrine" in the church. However, we must be like the Bereans: "They received the word with great eagerness, and examined the Scriptures daily to see whether these things were so. Therefore many of them believed..." (Acts 17:11-12). The Bereans showed obvious eagerness to hear the Word of God from the apostle Paul, but they had the spiritual intelligence to verify the accuracy of the teachings in the Scriptures before accepting them.

When did you start seeing "red flags"? And today, what are the signals that can alert people to the risk of experiencing the same thing?

Warning signs may seem obvious to common sense, but it's important to understand that many people are seduced by dysfunctional pastors or leaders and become blinded. We must ask ourselves: What does God's Word say about this? What does it say about this or that statement? God grants us free will. If a leader exercises control, manipulation, and imposes themselves as the voice of God in your life by telling you what to do or even what to think, these are major warning signs.

How did you experience your healing process? And how did your family experience it?

It happened in several stages. The first thing to do is to have the courage to think differently from others. It's crucial to manage your heart well at this stage because all the blinded people around the pastor or leader will be against you. You'll be seen as a rebel, an independent seduced by the enemy to create trouble in the church. It's important to remember that we are responsible for our hearts and that we must remain respectful and vigilant about our words. If you don't have the biblical knowledge to defend your point of view, simply withdraw from this church if you feel God is leading you to do so.

Often, those who have been hurt by spiritual abuse fear losing God's blessings by leaving such an unhealthy atmosphere and wonder where to go. You have to proceed step by step. My family was always by my side, and they knew I wanted to protect them. I had the right priorities, so despite these spiritual abuses, I was able to see clearly at some point. The biblical order of priority is God, then our family, and finally the church (He who does not take care of his family is worse than an unbeliever - 1 Timothy 5:8). What good is it to serve God in the church if we are worse than an unbeliever?

First, I stepped back from the dubious teachings and practices that I never endorsed, then I accepted that the power they exercised in the church was limited to their building and their unfortunate blinded ones. And there, my eyes opened. I began to prepare my departure by organizing my pastoral tasks well so that another person could take them over and by giving a departure date, explaining that God was asking me to leave. This was not accepted by the church, which explained to me how wrong I was and that I was leaving God's training school. I recognize that the pastor's influence in the church and on many people weighed heavily in his words, but I held firm. Before God, I had made this decision with conviction and uprightness of heart.

How did you keep your faith and cultivate hope to enter the ministry while detaching yourself from a family of churches?

I think I kept my faith because I quickly knew how to distinguish between God and God's servants. Let's take the example of the prophet Samuel in the Bible: he grew up in a dysfunctional "church" with the priest Eli, rejected by God, and his sons Hophni and Phinehas, abominable in the eyes of the Lord because of their great sins. Samuel grew up in this temple with only these imperfect figures as models, and yet God made him a great prophet. Priest Eli tried to manipulate Samuel through fear when God first spoke to him, but didn't our God elevate Samuel because he knew how to keep his heart pure? These endings should create in us faith in God's justice if we watch over our hearts.

We could also talk about David, who, when he began to enter his calling, had King Saul as a leader, who sought to kill him because he knew that divine favor was on David and no longer on him. We could develop an entire message on serving God under dysfunctional leadership inspired by these two biblical characters. Stories of spiritual abuse on the path of our destinies exist even in the Bible, and their lives are examples for us today!

Is it necessary to be recognized and sent by "someone"? And if it's not necessary, how do you stay humble?

I was talking earlier about "contextual doctrine". Do you think that in countries where Christians are persecuted, they ask themselves this type of question? Do you think they seek to be recognized by an underground church to serve God? This kind of reflection can sometimes (but not always) help us distinguish the culture of the Kingdom of God from pseudo-Christian culture.

There is true biblical wisdom in being recognized as a ministry gift by other ministry gifts, but there can be exceptions. Who recognized Paul as an apostle, for example? It was God. Subsequently, the apostles gave Paul the right hand of fellowship, and Paul recognized their authority over the Church. The paths that God sets before us may be different, but the fruits that emerge from them are always good.

If your calling is not a ministry gift according to Ephesians 4:11 but is located in the local church, it makes sense to obtain recognition from the person to whom God has entrusted this local church. If your calling is outside the local church, I don't see why you would need to be recognized and sent. The pastor doesn't have to give his blessing on a business idea or professional career. He can be consulted, but you need to be aware of his knowledge in entrepreneurship before asking him the question and understand that he can bring a spiritual perspective on the situation if he is capable. A pastor is neither a business leader nor a psychologist. There are professionals for that. You don't need to be recognized and sent to pray for the sick either. Jesus declares "and these signs will accompany those who have believed" and not "those who have been validated and sent by the pastor or leader".

To answer your question about how to stay humble, I would say that you should always recognize that everything you are and have is only grace, and that we will be judged in the same way we judge others (Matthew 7:2). If you need grace, exercise grace around you and ask God what He thinks of the people around you in order to see them as He sees them.

What advice would you give to a person who has a strong calling but is not recognized in their local church?

It's complicated to answer this question because each situation is unique. So I'm going to stay very general in my answer. What is the type of calling and why is it not recognized? Is it a character problem? Is it because the person doesn't want to follow the 1, 2, or 3 years of ministerial recognition? Is it because the church is not used to recognizing this type of calling? Should we, biblically, recognize this type of calling before the person begins to serve? There are so many questions to ask to answer this...

I believe it's important, as a pastor or leader, to recognize the type of anointing on the person before anything else. I deliberately make the distinction between calling and anointing. Anointing is a specific grace granted within the calling, it's God's power that accompanies us to accomplish certain works prepared in advance. Let's take the example of Elijah and John the Baptist. They both had a calling as a prophet. Jesus even said of John the Baptist that he was the greatest of the prophets. Yet, the latter had no anointing of healing or miracles (at least, the Bible doesn't mention it). But he had the particular grace to prepare Israel for the coming of the Messiah. If we define the prophetic model based on Elijah's example, neither Daniel nor John the Baptist would have been recognized. You see what I mean? If we take a more current example, two men may have a calling to be a pastor. But the first may have a particular anointing, granted by God, to restore couples, for example.

That's why I think we should first consider the anointing that the person carries and then say, for example, "This person has an anointing in entrepreneurship, a particular favor in their connections with influential people in our city, and an anointing as an evangelist." Based on this observation, we're not going to ask them to manage all the evangelistic meetings of the local church to be recognized by the church as an evangelist, but understand that their evangelistic anointing applies in a universe that the local church cannot necessarily touch by itself, that is, the business world. In short, let's not try to summarize callings by categories and let's not put Christians in boxes, it's the best method to kill their joy and their destiny.

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