Mentor, coach, trainer: Frameworks and Boundaries
Beyond the differences in postures (see previous article), support is essential for effective leadership in health, provided that its scope and methodology are clearly defined.
We don't all need the same type of support at different times of our lives, or even the same sensitivity to the type of support. But whatever the type of support, there are certain fundamentals to be respected, both by the person who has the role of "master" and by the person who is in a learning position:
a spirit of humility
being teachable
a relationship of accountability
a spirit of servanthood
having the Kingdom of God in common
wanting to be like Jesus
Establishing clear and healthy boundaries is essential in any ministerial, professional or personal development relationship, including with a coach, mentor or trainer. Here's how you might approach defining these boundaries for each role, as well as potential conflicts of interest to watch out for.
COACH
Relationships and limits
Confidentiality: Ensure that everything discussed during coaching sessions remains confidential, unless otherwise agreed.
Clear objectives: Define specific and measurable objectives that you wish to achieve with your coach, and ensure that the sessions remain focused on these objectives. As part of the ministry, you can ask for an assessment (to get a general idea of how you operate) and then target a specific problem (e.g. My difficulty managing my team or Making my communication clearer).
Independence: The coach must encourage your autonomy and not create a relationship of dependence. It is important for the coachee to be able to progress on their own in the long term. The coach and coachee should not have too close a relationship. For example, when the prospective coach has seen the coachee grow up as the son of a friend.
Conflicts of interest
Ideally, the coach and coachee should not be members of the same local church or involved in a ministry where one is dependent on the other.
MENTOR
Relationships and boundaries
Personal vs. professional: In a "traditional" environment, it is important to define whether the relationship will be strictly professional or whether it can include personal elements. This often depends on the nature of the mentoring and the preferences of both parties. But in the context of ministry, it makes sense to include both, because the "professional" depends on what the person is experiencing in the "personal". Family life is also important, so it's normal to address all the dimensions that affect ministry. It's difficult to compartmentalise, in fact it's impossible... In fact, many people choose their mentor not only on the basis of his or her public ministry, but also on the balance he or she represents in their private life.
Frequency of meetings: Discuss the frequency with which you will meet and stick to this schedule to respect each other's commitments. Be clear about each other's expectations and responsibilities. A relationship of transparency and accountability is essential, on everyone's part.
Duration of the relationship: Mentoring can sometimes become a long-term relationship. It is wise to discuss expectations about the length of the mentoring relationship from the outset. Be transparent if you want to stop mentoring (whether you are the mentor or the mentee), and if possible, explain your reasons, so as not to leave the other person in the lurch. Sometimes, the reasons may be pragmatic (lack of time, change of job that upsets a schedule) and the person opposite may think it's because of them. Experiencing an unexplained break in a relationship can leave a kind of wound.
Conflicts of interest
A mentor should not use the relationship to further his or her own interests. Also, if there are professional and departmental decisions to be made (such as promotions, appraisals, transfers), the mentor should not be directly involved if there is a conflict of interest. For example, if the mentor is a pastor in a church that needs to expand its team and the mentee is among those approached to join the team.
TRAINER
Relationships and limits
In a traditional professional setting: The relationship must remain within the framework of training, with mutual respect for personal and professional space. In the context of a church and a pastor training a young pastor, the framework is very difficult to define... but it must be defined. In this context, it's not just a question of training a professional. You're not just training a pastor. You train a leader, a shepherd, a disciple. If necessary, regular reviews to redefine the framework may be appropriate, for the good of all.
Feedback: Encourage open feedback from both sides, but always keep it respectful and constructive. Regularly review the training time. As far as the training pastor is concerned, it is quite possible that he will have to adjust his methods according to the person being trained. After all, we all learn differently.
Limitations: you need to be careful about the relationship of authority. Yes, a trainer or teacher has authority and must be respected. It is the abuse of authority and control that is dangerous. Everyone should remain humble in their status. Sometimes you can hear a young pastor preach and immediately guess where he has been trained. Training is not cloning. The proliferation of leaders is not copy and paste.
Conflicts of interest
The training pastor must bear in mind that his objective is to train another pastor. It is not to have an extra workforce to fulfil his own ambitions, or to organise more events. The young pastor must be trained... his aim is not to be the pastor's assistant (yes, you learn a lot when you're an assistant, but you can see for yourself...).
Setting healthy limits
For all these relationships, open communication is key. It is crucial to feel free to talk about any discomfort in the relationship and to adjust agreements if necessary to ensure that the relationship remains beneficial to all parties. It is good practice to have these discussions and agreements formalised in writing, so that both parties have clear references. When the support and the relationship seem to be getting out of hand and slipping into a situation that is harmful to the student, it is time to react.
Here are some of the dangers often mentioned by young pastors in training:
Abuse of power: Mentors or trainers, often in positions of authority, can sometimes abuse that power by imposing their own views or exerting undue pressure on young pastors. This can include emotional manipulation or even, in rare cases, more serious abuse.
Isolation: Some young pastors may feel isolated from their peers or community due to the intense and often exclusively mentoring or in-house training nature of their ministry. This can limit their exposure to a wider range of theological perspectives or ministry practices. Trusting your church family is one thing (and a good thing), but remaining ignorant is dangerous. To also assume that our way is the best way is also dangerous (and pretentious, let's be honest...).
Pressure to conform: There can be considerable pressure to conform to the specific expectations of the mentor, trainer or training institution, which can stifle personal development and the free expression of the young pastor's personal beliefs and identity. There is a balance to be struck between the heritage received in a community and the pressure to identify with that community.
Relational dependency: The mentor-mentee relationship can sometimes become too fusional, where the young pastor may struggle to develop his own leadership style or make independent decisions, relying excessively on his mentor for guidance. A good mentor leads the mentee to grow and be independent.
Ethical and moral issues: Young pastors may sometimes face ethical or moral dilemmas in their interactions with mentors, particularly if the mentors do not meet the ethical standards expected in ministry.
Fear of not being recognised: The relationship with a training pastor or mentor can also be biased because of the fear of not being recognised (relational recognition, but also official ordination). The young pastor may fear that he has come this far and not been ordained because of a disagreement on an important point.
Risk prevention and management
To prevent and manage these risks, theological training institutions and churches can put in place a number of measures:
Ethics training: Provide ongoing training on ethical issues and servant-leadership for all mentors and trainers.
Supervision and accountability: Establish systems of supervision where mentors and trainers are regularly evaluated and held accountable for the consequences of their actions.
Support networks: Encourage young pastors to develop support networks with their peers, providing a diversity of perspectives and a space to discuss challenges.
Having friends: Along the same lines as the support network, having trusted friends (within the local church BUT also outside the local church) can help pastors have conversations they can't have with just anyone.
Clear guidelines: Establish clear policies on appropriate relationships and behaviours within mentoring and training programmes.
Openness to feedback: Create an environment where feedback from young pastors is valued and taken into account to improve training and mentoring programmes.
In conclusion: yes, we encourage a culture of mentoring, training and coaching! We also encourage you to pray for discernment and clear-sightedness in choosing who will accompany you during your training (and even after your training). One of the keys for all parties: humility and a strong desire to advance God's kingdom and not one's own ambitions.
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